The other week I saw a sad & distressing appeal on television that made me realise just how lucky I am.

It was absolutely heartbreaking.

I had no idea of the suffering that Liv Tyler's hair goes through each week...

You see, on Monday it's straight. Yeah? But by Wednesday it's curly.

Curly. On a Wednesday.


Half-day closing. That's total madness.

Who's going to see it?

Curly on a Monday (as the Ronettes would probably sing) then yes, I can understand that. You go to work or school and everyone says "Oh, you had your hair done all curly over the weekend? Nice. It suits you..", etc.

But curly on Wednesday? Well, my heart stood still.

That's just insane.

And look how lifeless and limp it has left Liv. She can barely stand she is so bereft of hope. Her voice has no joy. Her eyes are all big and sad. Where is the vibrant Liv we all know and love from that last Hulk film, or the pop video for her Dad's band, or ...er... One Night At McCool's?

Oh, and that really long pixie film?

She's exhausted. Spent. A glossy-haired husk.

Ben Affleck wouldn't go space-mining for her in the state she's in now. He'd probably hold a pillow over her face, like the big Indian lad in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, as an act of kindness - all the while her Dad sang a tortured ballad in the background, about the dangers of home-perming.

As a bald man I can only guess at he trauma of having curly hair on a Wednesday when two days previously it was straight. I can only imagine the inner-turmoil of having to select a shampoo to remedy this act of hairy vandalism - although, coincidentally enough, a drunk woman on crutches staggered into my local yesterday and did try to sell me some "L'Oreal shampoo (with conditioner) only a pound a bottle..."

(This is absolutely true!)

There was a long pause as I waited for that particular penny to drop until eventually, and silently, I pointed to my sun-dappled bonce and waited until she finally shuffled off.

But enough about me, what about the star of Cookie's Fortune and ... those other two films about pixies and dwarves? Well, thankfully someone at the charity or something (I was too busy trying to wipe the tears from my eyes at this point) had put her in touch with people at a laboratoire who make just the right shampoo for her predicament.

It was amazing, she was like a completely different woman - albeit with the same lifeless monotone and big sad eyes, but then we can't expect miracles overnight. It's still early days.

I'm hoping she makes a full recovery and is able to start work again on the brand-new pixie/fairy/gnome films that they are making in New Zealand.... 

Back to her glory days!

I was feeling all happy for Liv and about to switch off when the next advert came on and made me sick to my stomach.

It was about this dog that reckons it was abused and left in a bin.... yet he can fucking talk!!

Oh, and this talking dog (that would obviously be a millionaire) reckons he will send you letters & a Christmas card.... if you send him a couple of quid a month!!

Now, I'm no expert but if a dog that faffs about badly to a Charleston can win Britain's Got Talent  and then gets invited to prance about in front of the Queen, then one who can do voice-over work and write his own letters doesn't need a quid from me.

Cheeky blackmailing little fucker.

I'm sick of being seen as a soft touch by these types of ads. It's not that long back there was one of this African bloke who wanted a fish.

Fine. I don't mind buying you a fish. What type would you like?

But then, oh no, he doesn't just want a fish - he wants the means to get his own fish!

He wants me to fork out good money so he can go fishing!!

I ask you! Taking the piss or what?

So I'm sorry, African Robson Green and Bob the talking Dog, or whatever you're called, but you're on your own. This quid's for poor recovering Liv Tyler and the hundreds of other supermodel Hollywood actresses with rock star Dad's who need our help washing and brushing their own hair an' that.

Find some other mug.

Even as we speak Jade Jagger needs a brace.

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