It's that time of year when the shops become battlefields and all common sense goes out of the window. People walk along the pavements with their heads fixed 90 degrees to their right, hands are torn by plastic bags, grown men have punch-ups in the Disney Shop, others just shuffle along, shoulders hunched with grim bargains....
Go and buy some pointless shite, it's baby Jesus' probable birthday!!
Except it isn't. Most religious scholars reckon it was around 6th September, before we changed the calendars and added a few more months, but can you imagine trying to get a decent Nativity play like this one organised during the first week of a brand new school year??
Nah.
Let's stick to December 25th, shall we? We can be flexible when it comes to Baby Jesus deathday, but not his birthday.
Not that he had either of them.
He's not real.
That's why it's called Faith and not Fact.
Anyway, enough of this atheistic nonsense, it's Costmas!
The streets are Merry with the sound of people shouting on their phones over the sound of the Salvation Army Brass Bands, the poor and the needy are stepped over as folk make their way to HMV for that solitary non-Amazon CD purchase, drunks decorate the pavements outside the parameter of the ubiquitous German Market and the streets are lit by gaudy council-funded festive illuminations that will be deducted from the budget of next year's bin collections or Meals on Wheels.
Christmas is a time for shoving and mumbling as everyone up & down the land get into the spirit by repeating the age-old mantra "I'll just be glad when this is all over..."
So, have you got all your shopping?
The big presents? The stocking fillers? The food and drink?
Which celebrity convinced you to spend some more money? Because right NOW is the very height of the celebrity endorsement season.
Did Wayne Rooney convince you to have a Wii?
Maybe Hugh Laurie persuaded you to buy some baby lotion?
What about that floaty lady and her perfume? You know the one... Kate Moss? No, Beyonce. Halle Berry... Rhianna? I mean Britney! Or was it Charlize Theron? No. Eva Longoria? Eva Mendes? EVA GREEN!!
Did the singing shelf-stackers from X-Factory coax you into M&S?
Or maybe that giggling afghan hound Stacey Solomon got you to buy some gourmet mini steak-burgers from Iceland with her dire Rea song?
Perhaps it was miserable tap-dancing old skeleton Bruce Forsyth gumming a pie on a Ferris wheel as his carers from the Make A Wish Foundation let him speak to Freddie Flintoff?
And who could fail to be impressed by Roger Federer and his rucksack of chocolate balls?
The answer is - Everybody.
Everybody in the world could fail to be impressed by this terrible, terrible advert.
It really doesn't matter what they are hawking around as all these ads have one thing in common. They are absolute fucking rubbish and serve no fucking purpose.
From Heston, Delia and Jamie telling you to buy food from a food-shop to Rory McIlroy fluking a shot for a struggling bank, everybody is trying to convince you to spend spend spend!!
The thing is, we already are.
We don't need Alan Hansen to mumble "mazin'valyooo" to a basket of groceries, it's fucking Christmas. We're already spending November's wages on December's gluttony and January's wages on February's charity shop donations, and it has nothing to do with which famous face tells us what to buy and where.
I'm not going to buy insurance off Iggy Pop for the same reason I'm not going to go on an online casino because Shane Warne thinks it's fun. Can you imagine living your life like that? You'd be sectioned..
"That's a nice cappuccino-maker, where did you get it?"
PAUSE
"Have you had your hair done? It looks nice."
OK, so Hugh Laurie gave his entire L'Oreal fee to Comic Relief, which is undoubtedly admirable, and Wayne Rooney plugs a football game because he's a footballer, I can see the logic there - but why the fuck would you want to insure yourself with a man who used to cut his own chest with a broken bottle or a bank that's drawing comparison's with a golfer accidentally getting a hole-in-one?
What a reckless and slipshod attitude towards finance and security.
Anyway, happy shopping, people!
You have just over a week left to get into more debt. Make up your own minds on what to buy and don't get a lipgloss just because Scarlett Johanssen pretends to like it.
I'm off to get some Austerity Christmas Crackers... instead of a gift and a joke each one has a picture of a Greek picket line and an IOU inside.
Robert Peston reckons they're great....
Merry fucking Christmas everybody!!
 |
| She has been paid to smile. You haven't. |
Go and buy some pointless shite, it's baby Jesus' probable birthday!!
Except it isn't. Most religious scholars reckon it was around 6th September, before we changed the calendars and added a few more months, but can you imagine trying to get a decent Nativity play like this one organised during the first week of a brand new school year??
Nah.
Let's stick to December 25th, shall we? We can be flexible when it comes to Baby Jesus deathday, but not his birthday.
Not that he had either of them.
He's not real.
That's why it's called Faith and not Fact.
Anyway, enough of this atheistic nonsense, it's Costmas!
The streets are Merry with the sound of people shouting on their phones over the sound of the Salvation Army Brass Bands, the poor and the needy are stepped over as folk make their way to HMV for that solitary non-Amazon CD purchase, drunks decorate the pavements outside the parameter of the ubiquitous German Market and the streets are lit by gaudy council-funded festive illuminations that will be deducted from the budget of next year's bin collections or Meals on Wheels.
 |
| "And now, Peppa, if you'd like to press this button that cancels all free school meals.. 5-4-3-2-1!!" |
Christmas is a time for shoving and mumbling as everyone up & down the land get into the spirit by repeating the age-old mantra "I'll just be glad when this is all over..."
So, have you got all your shopping?
The big presents? The stocking fillers? The food and drink?
Which celebrity convinced you to spend some more money? Because right NOW is the very height of the celebrity endorsement season.
 |
| I think he plays football...? |
Did Wayne Rooney convince you to have a Wii?
Maybe Hugh Laurie persuaded you to buy some baby lotion?
What about that floaty lady and her perfume? You know the one... Kate Moss? No, Beyonce. Halle Berry... Rhianna? I mean Britney! Or was it Charlize Theron? No. Eva Longoria? Eva Mendes? EVA GREEN!!
Did the singing shelf-stackers from X-Factory coax you into M&S?
Or maybe that giggling afghan hound Stacey Solomon got you to buy some gourmet mini steak-burgers from Iceland with her dire Rea song?
Perhaps it was miserable tap-dancing old skeleton Bruce Forsyth gumming a pie on a Ferris wheel as his carers from the Make A Wish Foundation let him speak to Freddie Flintoff?
And who could fail to be impressed by Roger Federer and his rucksack of chocolate balls?
The answer is - Everybody.
Everybody in the world could fail to be impressed by this terrible, terrible advert.
It really doesn't matter what they are hawking around as all these ads have one thing in common. They are absolute fucking rubbish and serve no fucking purpose.
From Heston, Delia and Jamie telling you to buy food from a food-shop to Rory McIlroy fluking a shot for a struggling bank, everybody is trying to convince you to spend spend spend!!
The thing is, we already are.
We don't need Alan Hansen to mumble "mazin'valyooo" to a basket of groceries, it's fucking Christmas. We're already spending November's wages on December's gluttony and January's wages on February's charity shop donations, and it has nothing to do with which famous face tells us what to buy and where.
I'm not going to buy insurance off Iggy Pop for the same reason I'm not going to go on an online casino because Shane Warne thinks it's fun. Can you imagine living your life like that? You'd be sectioned..
"That's a nice cappuccino-maker, where did you get it?"
"Well, George Clooney told us it was the best one..."
"You KNOW George Clooney? Wow!""Umm... no. Actually, he was paid to say he liked it. On telly."
"Oh."PAUSE
"Have you had your hair done? It looks nice."
"Thank you, it was Davina McCall's idea..."
"Oh, do fuck off." |
| "Get your hands off my mocha.." |
OK, so Hugh Laurie gave his entire L'Oreal fee to Comic Relief, which is undoubtedly admirable, and Wayne Rooney plugs a football game because he's a footballer, I can see the logic there - but why the fuck would you want to insure yourself with a man who used to cut his own chest with a broken bottle or a bank that's drawing comparison's with a golfer accidentally getting a hole-in-one?
What a reckless and slipshod attitude towards finance and security.
Anyway, happy shopping, people!
You have just over a week left to get into more debt. Make up your own minds on what to buy and don't get a lipgloss just because Scarlett Johanssen pretends to like it.
I'm off to get some Austerity Christmas Crackers... instead of a gift and a joke each one has a picture of a Greek picket line and an IOU inside.
Robert Peston reckons they're great....
Merry fucking Christmas everybody!!
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