It's a year since I started doing this blog - and what have we learnt in all this time?

Fuck all, I should imagine.

Football is shit.
X Factor is pointless.
As is the race to be Number 1.
I killed Bernard Matthews.
And The News Of The World.
The Government are fucking useless.
The newspapers are not only full of shit but they are also without any conceivable use in the 21st Century.
The Chinese hate time travel.
Jedward are pricks.
Pyjamas are brilliant.
All Jazz is awful.
Comic books are cool.

Apart from all of that, there's the undeniable fact that I really like to swear.

And I do like to swear.

It is big and it is clever.

Not convinced?

Still not cocking swayed?
By one of England's greatest minds?
A comedy colossus?
The King Of The Internet?

Then please take a look at any of the following....

(... and, Yes, I do that my felching carpet is arse-shaftingly awful.)

But the books are gorgeous... in their own sordid yet beautiful way.

In particular, I love the Viz Profanisaurus.

It. Is. Wonderful.

It is the kind of book that shouldn't exist but you're so glad it does. Discovering the Profanisaurus is one of the great and golden moments of modern life. I don't often endorse products (in fact, I've even refused this blog-site's host-company's constant requests on placing advertisements on my page) but in this case, I urge you to buy the Viz Profanisaurus.

The definitions it gives are the work of a warped yet genius mind, or several warped yet genii minds. There's a decorative flair coupled with a "devil may care" attitude to what is being written. If you feel like swearing, and many of us do on an all-too-regular-basis, then I suggest you buy a Profanisaurus to expand your vocabulary of vulgarity. It's just the greatest feeling to use a 16th century word that expresses your innermost anxiety while complexing your neighbouring eavesdroppers.

 Turning to a random page (the best way to reference this marvellous organ) I see that:

golf ball arse (noun. medic.) is a "condition of the buttocks after sitting too long on a beaded car seat"


necking turds (noun) is a phrase that "is made against one who is suffering from halitosis. 'Excuse me, madam, I do not wish to appear rude but have you been necking turds?'"

In the week that the Oxford English Dictionary celebrated it's 100th anniversary I can only hope and pray that the Profanisaurus reaches a similar milestone.

I like to invent some swearwords. It's more satisfying and stops you from going stale. I have a friend called Soo (hereafter known as "Sweary Soo") who used to text me the most offensive insults in such a casual manner that it became damn-near impossible not to smile. When someone enquires "Are you coming to the pub, cockbobber? Haven't seen you in ages.." it is quite charming, in its rough and ready way.

"This blog may contain the words 'cockmunch', 'monkeybummer' and 'cleft'..."

Btw, a 'cockbobber' is similar to 'apple-bobbing' in that you have to put your head under water.

To 'bob' for 'cocks'....

It is one of the main reasons that Soo has received a lifetime ban from the Log Flume ride at Alton Towers...

Over the years, Soo and I have invented a huge glossary of filth. Not as extensive or as well-thought out as the Profanisaurus or those other tomes of reference, but still it is quite an impressive lexicon.

I do believe that sometimes you really need to swear and I don't trust people who don't do it. 

Anyone who tells you that you can get by in the 21st Century without swearing is talking nonsense.

Absolute tommyrot.


Piffle, pish, tosh and total bollocks.

Life has a way of throwing so much shit at you that it is practically impossible to get through it WITHOUT swearing.

For example - "Celebrity" Big Brother. Train fares. British Gas. Five A*++'s won't get you into Hull, but you can go to Skipton FE for £14,000 a year. The Smurfs movie. The Star Wars Prequels. George Lucas. The New Tintin Movie. The Black Eyed Peas. Fred Goodwin. The Daily Star.....

Colonel Gadaffi. Peter Stringfellow. Donatella Versace. Paddy McGuinness. Beady Eye. Peter Kay. Self-automated checkouts in supermarkets. Formula One. CGI monsters. The Royal Family. People who like The Royal Family. People who still bang on about Pippa Middleton's arse. The Daily Express. BBC3. Hollyoaks. Skins. Students...

Looters. Jazz. Piers Morgan. Michael Gove. The Sun. Kelvin MacKenzie. Phone hacking. The 1980's. Nightclubs. The Conservative Party in general. Fred Phelps and those pricks from the Westboro Baptist Church that picket funerals. Jeremy Kyle. Catherine Tate. Commemorative plates. Eastenders. That rubbery glue-stuff that's on the back of CDs you get free with Mojo magazine...

Swagger Jagger. Joss Stone. Wetherspoons. Racism. The Carpenters. The Eagles. Spy Kids 4D. Everybody, all the time, in the Merrion Centre. Fashion. Bill Paxton movies. Sky TV. Talksport. Jon Gaunt. Melanie Phillips. David Starkey. Betty's Tea Rooms. Cherry Vimto. People refusing to accept that Michael Jackson was a fiddler. Channel We Don't Call It Channel Anymore Five. Shed Seven. People who have been to Ibiza. Judge Jules...

Anders Behring Breivik. The football season. Julie Burchill banging on and on about how she used to be gorgeous in her twenties when she evidently looked like a man in drag. Tony Parsons. Tracy Emin. Heston Blumenthal. Gordon Ramsay. Madonna. Michelle Bachmann. Glenn Beck. Fox News. The Daily Mail. David Cameron still pretending to be our elected Prime Minister. Ed Milliband. The Taliban. The Lighthouse Family. Farm Shops. John Barrowman. Torchwood. Jedward....
to name but a few.

Now you should be all primed and ready to swear.

So, here are a few words and phrases from James MacDonald's Dictionary of Obscenity, Taboo & Euphemism and the peerless Profanisaurus, to help you get through the weekend:

Duck Fucker -  (colloquial) a general term of abuse. According to the 1811 Dictionary of Vulgar Tongue the expression had a more specific origin. It was the informal title of 'the man who has the care of poultry aboard a ship of war'.

Doxy -  a prostitute

Huffle - (colloquial) to simulate sexually intercourse by inserting the penis into another's armpit. See 'Bagpipe'.

Pintle - the penis

Roby Douglas - (col.) The anus. A once popular term of naval slang. The originator is unknown but in the 1785 Dictionary of Vulgar Tongue he is described as having "one eye and stinking breath".

Crackler - (noun) A particularly satisfying dump that crackles like someone gently rustling a crisp packet as it exits the nipsy.

Kexorcism - (noun) The act of expelling an evil, demonic  food ghost from one's chamber of horrors.

Sledge - (noun) a bloke who is constantly pulled by dogs.

Doesn't that feel better?

Still not convinced that you need gutter language to function?


How about this?

X Factor is back.

There we go!!

Ooof! Alright. Steady on...


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Kat said...

Mother fudger... That is my addition for the moment. It was one I wanted to utter in exasperation of not being able to sleep. However, then I started giggling at your all too entertaining blog ... And the world was right again. I love your musings Mr Williams!

Mister W said...

Bless you, sweetheart!

You keep reading it and I'll keep writing it!

Thanks, Kat.

ps - "arsegravy"