Desperate executives at Channel We Don't Call It Channel Anymore Five have leaked a memo about the controversial new series of Big Brother, which after 10 years of sucking the soul out of Channel We Still Call It Channel Four is to make it's debut on Channel For God's Sake I Just Told You We Don't Call It Channel Anymore Five in August.

The thirteen-week run has been heavily publicised in the Express Newspaper group as they are obliged to, being as The Daily Express, Sunday Express. Daily Star & Daily Star Sunday are all owned by Richard Desmond - as is  Channel Are You Even Listening? I Said We Don't Call It Channel Anymore Five.

There has also been extensive coverage in OK! & Now! Magazines.
(owned by Northern & Shell - prop. R. Desmond)

As yet there has been no tie-in with porn channels Red Hot TV (inc. Red Hot Mums, Red Hot Flirt, Gay Chat, Red Hot Fetish, Dirty Talk) or Television X. 
(also owned by Northern & Shell - prop. R. Desmond)

As yet.

As no-one else is giving a tinker's cuss about the series, except the aforementioned titles owned by goose-stepping Mr Desmond, the leaked memo has been wrapped with a cheque for £50 and sent to prominent people in order to publicise some of the more salient titbits to get the Great British Public talking about what many people are already calling "that thing that used to be on when you got in from the pub...."

Many aspects of the format have changed, to reflect a new beginning in the History of BB:

The new Big Brother logo is based upon Gabrielle's "secret" eye that she keeps under that patch 

(As a result the eye-patch will become a hot, must-have fashion item this summer. Expect lots of high profile, but subtle, endorsements and tie-ins.)

Brian Eno to write new theme tune. It's 4 hours long and incorporates wind noises from 3 continents

Joe Pasquale is to take over the daytime voice-over duties from BB stalwart & Lord Mayor of Tyneside, Marcus Bentley 

 The dream team of Sir Patrick Moore & Sir David Attenborough are to narrate LIVE throughout the night

For the first time EVER (except that time that C4 put Channelle in the house) the BB House will be a mixture of celebrities, ordinary members of the public and wildfowl.

Spike from "Hi-De-Hi" is rumoured to be holding out for more money. 

 Winston from the market on Eastenders is "definitely interested". 

CBeebies star Mister Maker has been employed to radically re-design the interiors of the Big Brother house - with poster paints and half a spud

For the first time EVER the Big Brother House will actually be a tower block in the Midlands
Contestants will be fired INTO the house through the windows using a cannon from Billy Smart's Circus

"There goes TV's Christopher Lillicrap! Give him a big cheer!"

Tasks to include - dressing like an adult, speaking coherently, spelling 'hippopotamus', emptying the bins & welding

Gina G shows them how it's done. Ten Points for Griffindor!

Big Brother's Little Brother will be performed LIVE in bus stops and park benches at around 11am every morning by 'Volunteers'. 
(Except for Giro Day.) 
They will also take bets on the outcome - although are not authorised to do so.

"Daniel O'Donell 25/1.. Bella Emberg Odds-on Favourite.. Mark my wordsh.."
BBLB is to be sponsored by Kestrel Super. 

Every viewer to receive a free Gregg's voucher which they may cash-in at participating stores or keep for ever as Souvenir Cholesterol Items.

 Week Two - Wayne Sleep tries to get out of the Badger-Culling Task by sitting in a corner & crying. 

There is uproar when he finds out that Kiki Dee has used him as bait without telling him.

Halfway through Week Three all food is replaced by plasticeine.

 A dramatic shift in Week Four is planned with the introduction to the house of lovebirds Barry &Yvonne Stuart Hargreaves, much to the annoyance of Spike.

Barry still owes him a tanner from 1961.. and Barry has never forgiven Spike for ruining his big Tango moment by coming on dressed as a banana and shoving him in the pool during "Get Fruity"-week at Maplins.
Watch those sparks fly!

 Nookie Bear refuses to perform any tasks or interact with the others. 
He is also reluctant to leave the house and appears wilfully unresponsive. 

 This is initially put down to his enormous misplaced showbiz ego until paperwork emerges that shows that nobody bothered to book Roger De Courcey as well.

Week Eight - everyone is called into the Diary Room following the death of John McCrirrick. All tasks are suspended whilst the clean-up operation takes place. 

John in happier times, Ascot 2011
Everyone has a party and after an overwhelming public response Endemol TV dispose of all the hammers.

 So that's This Year's Big Brother.

Wow! I don't know about you but I cannot fucking wait!

I'm now off to cash this cheque for fifty quid at Threshers....

Enjoy the Summer!

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