Desperate executives at Channel We Don't Call It Channel Anymore Five have leaked a memo about the controversial new series of Big Brother, which after 10 years of sucking the soul out of Channel We Still Call It Channel Four is to make it's debut on Channel For God's Sake I Just Told You We Don't Call It Channel Anymore Five in August.

The thirteen-week run has been heavily publicised in the Express Newspaper group as they are obliged to, being as The Daily Express, Sunday Express. Daily Star & Daily Star Sunday are all owned by Richard Desmond - as is  Channel Are You Even Listening? I Said We Don't Call It Channel Anymore Five.

There has also been extensive coverage in OK! & Now! Magazines.
(owned by Northern & Shell - prop. R. Desmond)

As yet there has been no tie-in with porn channels Red Hot TV (inc. Red Hot Mums, Red Hot Flirt, Gay Chat, Red Hot Fetish, Dirty Talk) or Television X. 
(also owned by Northern & Shell - prop. R. Desmond)

As yet.

As no-one else is giving a tinker's cuss about the series, except the aforementioned titles owned by goose-stepping Mr Desmond, the leaked memo has been wrapped with a cheque for £50 and sent to prominent people in order to publicise some of the more salient titbits to get the Great British Public talking about what many people are already calling "that thing that used to be on when you got in from the pub...."

Many aspects of the format have changed, to reflect a new beginning in the History of BB:

The new Big Brother logo is based upon Gabrielle's "secret" eye that she keeps under that patch 

(As a result the eye-patch will become a hot, must-have fashion item this summer. Expect lots of high profile, but subtle, endorsements and tie-ins.)

Brian Eno to write new theme tune. It's 4 hours long and incorporates wind noises from 3 continents

Joe Pasquale is to take over the daytime voice-over duties from BB stalwart & Lord Mayor of Tyneside, Marcus Bentley 

 The dream team of Sir Patrick Moore & Sir David Attenborough are to narrate LIVE throughout the night

For the first time EVER (except that time that C4 put Channelle in the house) the BB House will be a mixture of celebrities, ordinary members of the public and wildfowl.

Spike from "Hi-De-Hi" is rumoured to be holding out for more money. 

 Winston from the market on Eastenders is "definitely interested". 

CBeebies star Mister Maker has been employed to radically re-design the interiors of the Big Brother house - with poster paints and half a spud

For the first time EVER the Big Brother House will actually be a tower block in the Midlands
Contestants will be fired INTO the house through the windows using a cannon from Billy Smart's Circus

"There goes TV's Christopher Lillicrap! Give him a big cheer!"

Tasks to include - dressing like an adult, speaking coherently, spelling 'hippopotamus', emptying the bins & welding

Gina G shows them how it's done. Ten Points for Griffindor!

Big Brother's Little Brother will be performed LIVE in bus stops and park benches at around 11am every morning by 'Volunteers'. 
(Except for Giro Day.) 
They will also take bets on the outcome - although are not authorised to do so.

"Daniel O'Donell 25/1.. Bella Emberg Odds-on Favourite.. Mark my wordsh.."
BBLB is to be sponsored by Kestrel Super. 

Every viewer to receive a free Gregg's voucher which they may cash-in at participating stores or keep for ever as Souvenir Cholesterol Items.

 Week Two - Wayne Sleep tries to get out of the Badger-Culling Task by sitting in a corner & crying. 

There is uproar when he finds out that Kiki Dee has used him as bait without telling him.

Halfway through Week Three all food is replaced by plasticeine.

 A dramatic shift in Week Four is planned with the introduction to the house of lovebirds Barry &Yvonne Stuart Hargreaves, much to the annoyance of Spike.

Barry still owes him a tanner from 1961.. and Barry has never forgiven Spike for ruining his big Tango moment by coming on dressed as a banana and shoving him in the pool during "Get Fruity"-week at Maplins.
Watch those sparks fly!

 Nookie Bear refuses to perform any tasks or interact with the others. 
He is also reluctant to leave the house and appears wilfully unresponsive. 

 This is initially put down to his enormous misplaced showbiz ego until paperwork emerges that shows that nobody bothered to book Roger De Courcey as well.

Week Eight - everyone is called into the Diary Room following the death of John McCrirrick. All tasks are suspended whilst the clean-up operation takes place. 

John in happier times, Ascot 2011
Everyone has a party and after an overwhelming public response Endemol TV dispose of all the hammers.

 So that's This Year's Big Brother.

Wow! I don't know about you but I cannot fucking wait!

I'm now off to cash this cheque for fifty quid at Threshers....

Enjoy the Summer!

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The other day I was looking after my beautiful tiny girlfriend's beautiful tiny daughter (aka Murnkey) and while she was watching The Sarah Jane Adventures on CBBC I had a flick through the TV listings.

"Ooh, " I said, camply, "If you like Sarah Jane, you'll like this programme later on."
"Is it Doctor Poo?" she sniffed, dismissively.
"No. And stop calling him that" I said, a little bit too defensively, "There's a programme called Around The World In 60 Minutes, it's all about the space shuttle..."
"...No. It's the space shuttle..."
"....taking pictures from space..."
"..of the earth... so it's not really ABOUT space, it's all about the jungles and deserts and all the creatures on earth. A bit like The Deadly 60.."

"Earth is boring."


I was gobsmacked.

She's already bored of the Earth, with it's unique atmosphere, its Seven Wonders, its millions of species, its extremes of environment, its countless historic achievements, its numerous civilisations and its unrivalled nature - at six years old??
I don't understand young people, I really don't.

"Earth is boring?? Where do you think all your stuff is kept, young lady?"

She giggled and went back to CBBC.

When I was a kid I loved EVERYTHING  about space. I used to draw the space shuttles and robots and aliens, read Judge Dredd & 2000AD, played with Star Wars, The Black Hole and Space 1999 figures, watched Doctor Poo WHO and Star Trek...

Hmmm...come to think of it I still do all those things.

In the 70's every kid I knew, which was the vast majority of the people I came into contact with at the time, wanted to be an astronaut or work for NASA in some other capacity.

Planning battles against Klingons or Mekons or Mysterons or summat.

We had friction-powered ray-guns that fired sparks, sub-space communicators (that thankfully worked on AA batteries).. even our sweets were all about space!

We were all going to be astronauts and work on the moon, as far as we were concerned.
With robot butlers.
It was a given.

Right up until the point that we discovered that we had to concentrate on science, maths and be good at PE we were determined to become space explorers. Part of me still did, until last week.

But, now I don't feel so bad about skipping PE for a crafty fag because NASA have pulled the plug on the space shuttle.

Do you know what the final, historic shuttle mission was that the Atlantis undertook? It was delivering food to the International Space Station.

After 30 years of innovation and achievement we've reduced astronauts to the status of pizza delivery boys.

Wow. That really isn't rocket science.

From now on there will be only Chinese and Russian astronauts, there'll be no more NASA astronauts - well not HUMAN ones anyway.

NASA have effectively outsourced space travel.

And the robot butlers have taken over the contract.

So space travel is out, then.
Unless I learn Mandarin.

With the end of the Shuttle porgramme that got me thinking about the other stuff that used to consume me as a child, like what about TIME TRAVEL???

Ahhh, the other great adventure for the tiny sci-fi minded kid of the 70's brought up on Doctor Poo WHO (dammit!), Tomorrow People, Planet Of The Apes, Buck Rogers In The 25th Century...

The grand concept of travelling throughout history that captured the imaginations of great minds such as Isaac Asimov, HG Wells, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, CS Lewis, Steven Speilberg and even not-so-great minds like James Cameron.

Ahhh. Soon we will be able to flit around time and space, materialising and de-materialising at the push of a button... nope.

Apparently that's not happening either.

According to the BBC Science website:

"Physicists have confirmed the ultimate speed limit for the packets of light called photons - making time travel even less likely than thought.
The speed of light in vacuum is the Universe's ultimate speed limit, but experiments in recent years suggested that single photons might beat it.
If they could, theory allows for the prospect of time travel."

"Now, a paper in Physical Review Letters shows that individual photons too are limited to the vacuum speed limit.
That means that photons maintain the principle of causality laid out in Einstein's theory of special relativity - that is, an event's effect cannot precede its cause by traveling faster than light. It is violation of this causality that would, in principle, permit time travel."

In layman's terms - Time's Up.

We're going nowhere.
Or rather, we're going noWHEN.

Boffins have effectively clamped the TARDIS.

 Blasting cold photons in a Dyson? Is that what they are doing? Popping a few photons in the freezer then having Henry Hoover suck on them? Haven't they heard of flux capacitors?

Well at least China don't have to worry about having their history corrupted by Quantum Leap's "frivolous storylines" anymore.

"What's that, Ziggy? There's a 100% chance that this is all bollocks?
I think we'd already fucking guessed that, mate."

Did they think that episode of The Simpsons where Homer goes on a prehistoric rampage would actually come true?

The panicky idiots.

No more Quantum Leap, Doctor Who POO! (DAMMIT, MURNKEY!!), Planet Of The Apes, Tomorrow People, Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes, Back To The Future, Timecop, Terminator, A Christmas Carol, Torchwood... or even Mister Benn.

Thanks, China. Thanks a fucking bunch.

Mind you. No more Torchwood....
Every cloud, and all that....

So, no Space Travel and no Time Travel...
There must still be some cool and interesting jobs to be had when (if) I grow up?

Like becoming a Private Eye!!


Yeah! Private investigators are cool.

P.I.'s like Magnum, Simon & Simon, Sherlock Holmes, Philip Marlowe, Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple, Remmington Steele, Mike Hammer, Spenser For Hire, Callan, Shoestring, Charlie Chan, Batman, Matlock, Monk, Charlie's Angels, The Rockford Files....


The Murnkey's absolutely right.
The Earth is boring.
We've made the Earth boring.

We've taken everything fun and good and cool and turned it into boring, boring, imagination-stifling, scandal-attracting, phone-hacking, data-processing, pizza delivering, photon-freezing, boring boredy-boringness.

How did our generation kill off the dream of space exploration, time travel and crime fighting? What are today's kids going to play at now?

Being LordSirAlan Sugar's fucking Apprentice??

Is there ANYONE still living life to the full? Anyone who isn't crushed by our lack of ambition, our stifling mundanity, the recession and scandal?

Well, there's the Rainbow Sheikh, I suppose....

You mean you've never heard of the Rainbow Sheikh?

Sheikh Hamad bin Hamdan Al Nahyan is the little boy who never grew up. Not only has he got a fleet of 200 sports cars that he has painted every colour of the rainbow (hence the nickname) but he has housed those 200 sports cars IN A FUCKING PYRAMID!!


The Sheikh also owns the largest truck in the world (which includes 8 bedrooms inside it!) and a monitored house the shape of an earth globe, which is precisely 1 million times smaller than planet Earth.

Oh, and he has his own island, upon which he has had his name carved in letters over one mile long and half a mile wide.

Y'know, just in case it gets mixed up with another Sheikh's private island.
Like a schoolboy's gym-kit.

The first two letters even have water in them that he can swim in!!!

It's got his name on it... a name that IS VISIBLE FROM FUCKING SPACE!!

Well done, Sheikh Hamad bin Hamdan Al Nahyan - the rainbow Prince, well done.
Your outrageous lunacy can only be saluted.

If only there was someone up there to appreciate it.

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Another harrowing week in the News, one that can leave you feeling numb and wondering how to make sense of the horrors that surround us.

The appalling news in Norway.

The death of the singer Amy Winehouse.

The horrific scenes in Somalia.

It's enough to make you have a News meltdown.

How can we take it all in?
How can we process the information?

You could try the old Sherlock Holmes approach and compartmentalise your brain like a warehouse in order to make sense of everything you learn, internally categorizing and cross-referencing stories to give you a fuller picture.

But this take a lot of self discipline and not many of us can be arsed.

Besides, as Alexei Sayle once pointed out - what if your brain gets so full-up that any new information pushes out something really old but important like how to walk and talk at the same time?

 Scrub that, then...

If you are a complete fucking idiot and haven't listened to a cocking word I've ever said before, you could always try reading a compact, fact-lite, heavily-edited, wildly-opinionated version of the actual News such as a tabloid newspaper?

The only problem with that being that they have often worked out their narrative before the News has even broke, and so they have to fit the events around their opinions.

Like an angry chimp confronted with a jigsaw puzzle.

This is why many of the right-wing tabloid English newspapers had initially pinned the terrible events in Norway on Muslim extremists rather than on a singular ANTI-Muslim CHRISTIAN extremist, Anders Behring Breivik. 

An Aryan fundamentalist nutjob with a penchant for uniforms?
Who saw that coming?

I mean, come on! He could have at least worn a beard or a turban to help the tabloids out a bit...

As it is he looks like a CG rendering of an illustration of a brand-new Action Man Total Cunt range of action figures.

It's no surprise that a News International/News Corp/Rupert Murdoch production would throw caution (and facts) to the wind in order to have an exclusive headline, but unfortunately they weren't the only ones, as Charlie Brooker says in The Guardian ,"The news coverage of the Norway mass-killings was fact-free conjecture.."

But sometimes the sheer volume of real ACTUAL news is too much for some newspapers to take and thus they collapse in on themselves completely, barely reporting the News at all. Which is the only possible explanation for this piece of undiluted bullshittery from the Daily Mail.

There's the Norway story, look, there it is. Can you see it?
Just underneath the £15 Family Holiday offer... and taking up as much room on the front page.

Mind you, seeing how much that right-wing Norwegian fucktard supposedly appreciated the Daily Mail maybe they're trying to keep a low-profile?

So the tabloids are out, what about TV News?

Well, the 24 hour rolling-rumour channels (Sky News, BBC News Channel, CNN, etc) have so much airtime to fill that they often have "experts" and "witnesses" reacting to what has happened who really aren't experts or witnesses.

For example, on Saturday evening Amy Winehouse was reported to have died and the news channels started reporting on a story that was widely held to be true but had yet to be confirmed.

The BBC took baby-steps around the News and simply broadcast the oddly-sanitised Tweets of the famous who on the one hand DO want to show that they really cared but on the other DON'T really want their fanbase thinking that they condone drink or drug use (eg "She was a legend in all our hearts - JLS"  - What the fuck does that even mean??) - as well as tying themselves up in knots about the complexity of broadcasting an unverified story ("Amy Winehouse is REPORTED to have died, police have YET TO CONFIRM..." etc).

They then played a clip of her as a child on a Fast Show sketch, then interviewed Sylvia Young (whose stage school she went to as a child) and then they interviewed an old primary school-friend who hadn't seen her since she was an eleven year old child.

I think it's fair to say they were caught unawares.

Sky, true to form, decided to be the first with the story rather than wait for the story to be confirmed and broadcast a full tribute jam-packed with biographical information, clips of her videos, a montage of her winning those five Grammys in the States... it was almost as if they had been sitting on a fully prepared obituary package for the twenty-seven year old singer that had very recently been fine-tuned.

It's quite odd to see the News being respectful to Amy Winehouse, she was one of their favourite walking disasters. They loved showing pics of her drunk or high or falling over or having new tits or getting a tattoo or coming out of court or banging on about her criminal husband or fighting someone or performing poorly at concerts.

Now we see that they were just exercising "tough love" by constantly pointing out her shortcomings as a human being.

Amy Jade Winehouse
14 September 1983 – 23 July 2011
I'll bet any money that right now someone at Sky is clipping bits of their coverage of Amy's vigils to use in a corresponding Pete Doherty VT.

Or keeping an eye on what Lindsay Lohan's up to... what a way to earn a living, eh?

By the way, late on Saturday as I was heading home I actually saw an Amy Winehouse lookalike fall face first out of a pub in Pontefract.

Too soon, love. Too soon.

So, where to go for a handy, compact, fact-filled, educated, illustrative, informative news?

Well... um... er...  how about ITV's "Loose Women"?

The five-times a week lunchtime TV show that is version of a Hen Night being held at Speaker's Corner. The daily shriekfest is hosted by a never-ending conveyor-belt of cauldron-stirring idiots, each one of whom you wouldn't want to have an individual chat with, let alone be confronted as a menopausal pack.

The only one I actually like is Sarah Millican who I cannot understand being there in the first place. I watch her as a teacher would look upon a clever, thoughtful child drifting towards the bad element in the playground.

In resigned despair.

It doesn't matter what the subject is these mouthy harridans have a forthright (by which I mean ill-informed but loud) fucking opinion on it and their Bingo-loving audience are always on hand to Yaay or Naaay every moronic utterance.

Amy Winehouse and drug addiction?
Ask Carol McGuffin - after all she was once married to Radio 2 DJ Chris Evans and he must have played some of her records.

The financial crisis in the Eurozone?
Why, former Confessions of a Driving Instructor actress and ex Oxo-mum Lynda Belligham should be able to sort that out.

The atrocities in Norway?
Umm... I dunno... er... what does that one from the fucking Nolan Sisters think?

It doesn't matter what the subject is,  the Loose Women have  ALL the answers... apart from when they want to cash in on their 15 minutes of talking shite (I mean "fame") by each releasing their 'warts and all' autobiographies that shows that they are all damaged by abusive relationships, alcohol, divorce, eating disorders or other personal abandonment issues, then it becomes quite clear they have none.

I'm not sure about you but I don't think I want to hear about Jane MacDonald's warts....

That said, it must be tough talking about abandonment issues when most people at that time have abandoned your godawful TV show in order to watch a repeat of fucking Bargain Hunt.

Maybe that's why they try to bribe their audience with a £15,000 raffle to keep them tuned in to this fucking drivel.

And what about Somalia?

Well, unfortunately neither the print press, the rolling 24hour news or even Loose Women really give a shit.

It's not as "sexy" a story as a dead celebrity or as "exciting" a story as a mass murder with political and religious overtones. Those stories have already reached their horrible conclusions and so there's plenty of scope to point fingers, blame others, say what should have been done differently, wring hands and generally pontificate.

Last week Rupert Murdoch told a select committee of MP's that his barely-missed piss-sheet of a newspaper The News Of The World contributed less than 1% of his companies wealth.

He and his son then demonstrated how little they knew or cared about the day to day running of Britain's biggest selling newspaper by repeatedly saying they were ignorant of virtually every aspect of that newspaper's production.

"I thought YOU had read it?"
"Puh! Did I fuck!"
Who can blame them?

A lot of the news (in fact most of it, these days) is not news at all. It's rumour, conjecture, opinion, faff, blurb, campaigning, waffle, piffle, celebrity gossip, tub-thumping nonsense and lies.

So... Somalia.... Hmmm.

Are Bob Geldof or Bono available for an interview?

Well, in that case, it's just Africa...

They're always having droughts and wars and starving and that...




Well, fuck the News. 

Instead of buying a newspaper from someone who doesn't give a shit about News, instead of ringing a premium-rate phone line to win Loose Women's bribe-money, instead of buying that Amy Winehouse CD you meant to buy when she was alive - instead of ALL that, why don't you do something positive?

If you're tired of the horrors of the world and want to know what little bit you can actually to change some of it, then you could do a lot worse than donating to the Disasters Emergency Committee HERE

or via Oxfam HERE.

Don't just watch the News. 

Try and change it.

For the better.

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